Can't Buy Me Love

I've never really understood the phenomenon of gift giving on Valentine's Day. I used to get coloring books or heart-shaped cookies as a kid. In college, my mother gave me a heart-shaped necklace from the Metropolitan Museum of Art collection. She wanted me to wear it when I hung out with this guy I liked and tell him a "special friend" gave it to me. She's a clever woman, my mother.

I remember one year my roommate's boyfriend gave her a rose and a watch while another of my friends received a box of chocolates and was taken out for a "romantic" over-priced candlelight dinner. My folks gave me $200. I think I won.

There's the gift of lingerie, which I find really troubling. I mean, if I wanted to wear a lace bra with peek-a-boo holes for my nipples, I'd buy myself one. It's mind boggling to think that guys consider it a good idea to give their girlfriends clothes they intend to whip off their ladies faster than it took for them to pick them out. And don't get me started on pearl thongs. Talk about conspicuous consumption. (Can I also say that this is entirely impractical.)

I actually love going to Victoria's Secret on February 13th. It's one of the most entertaining experiences of the year. The clientele has turned entirely male (with the exception of the few of us females who want to take advantage of the annual Pink sale) and every single one of them is confused. There's always the rush of female employees, "Can I help you find anything?" "errr, uuumm... I think I'll just take a look around?" Then off they go, into the "Sexy Little Things Section" rummaging through the piles & racks, drooling over the leopard print bras and the itsy bitsy thongs. Thoughts of comfort and practicality and even taste? Yea, totally not on the radar.

Also, it's absurd the way florists jack up the prices of roses this time of year. Whole Foods sells organic roses, one dozen, for like $24, while other places are pricing them near $100. Lame. I love roses, but I'd prefer to have them at deflated prices S.V.P.

Now, if I were in one of those relationships where the fella just felt it absolutely necessary to buy me something for this silly day of presents (and if he had the disposable income to do something better than a Hersey's chocolate bar) I would fully endorse the following: click here, because it says a lot more than a lace baby doll nightie and sure as hell makes a better investment.